*This post is a response to An Open Letter to My Husband’s ADHD
To My Wife,
While it’s hard to put into words; I do realize how difficult I am.
It is not my intention to be this way – and especially not to hurt you.
I really am trying, whether or not you’re able to believe that. I think you know that, but at times it’s hard to remember.
You are the most gentle, loyal, and caring person I’ve ever met. It’s what makes you an incredible therapist and an incredible friend, but also brings with it the stress of doling out free “therapy” (though that’s never what it’s called) to my friends and family.
Most of the time – I love the person I am because of the way my brain works.
It’s fast, messy, and frustrating – but I focus on the creative and energetic components that I wouldn’t change.
The Dark Side is Very Real
And I can only imagine the difficulty I cause you on a daily basis.
Daily struggles like forgetting things; important things, starting tasks (like taking out the trash) and not completing them – due to distraction, overlooking daily (and equally important tasks) around the house unintentionally, and being almost completely unaware of them – but not on purpose.
This is in no way meant to be an excuse – I HATE excuses; it’s just something I don’t realize until looking back in retrospect.
And I realize that’s unacceptable.
I am trying to change these pieces of me that make me so difficult to cohabitate with – and to love.
I’m not here to ask for patience – I think you already give me every ounce you have, but instead to express my gratitude for being who you are, and who you help me to be.
This is More Difficult Than I Thought
Not being with you, that’s actually the easy part – but putting this into words is surprisingly heart wrenching, and unexplainably difficult.
I know what you want from me, and I even know what you need.
I’ve not yet become the person that is able to provide these to you on the consistent basis that you deserve – but I promise I’m cognizant of this, and I put more energy into than you may think.
I want you to know that most of the time, if not every time, when you think I’m not paying attention, or that I don’t care – only one of those things is true.
The truth is, I’m usually so intensely focused on other thoughts of mine that I’m not paying attention, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.
I care about you more than anything else in this world.
This may not be evident when I drift off mid conversation because a text or email came in.
It may be hard or abstract to realize when tasks around the house get started and left undone, because I just remembered an email I needed to send or analytics I needed to check on.
It has to be so frustrating to put up with someone who’s impulses cause them to jump from thought to thought, decision to decision, seemingly in a constant, non-stop stream of consciousness.
I’m positive it’s infuriating to deal with my mood swings that occur on a level where, again in retrospect, I often feel like I may have bipolar disorder.
All of this culminates into a pressure in my chest that is building as I type this, that makes it so painful to get these words to come out of me – into this post, to let you know that while this is an innate part of me, it’s not all of me.
It’s not the me that’s here for you.
An Open and Permanent Invitation
We have often reflected on how important the vows we took for each other are to us as individuals.
And how we both take the commitment we made on October 14, 2016 more seriously than any other facet of our individual lives.
So I feel it’s important to reiterate that all of me is here for all you;
The good and the bad.
The beautiful and the ugly.
The inspirational and the frustrating.
It’s all here, in me – and I’m yours.
As you’re coming to learn and understand sometimes this means that you don’t get the attention you want, you don’t get the decisive person that I seem to be for everyone else but at times simply cannot be for you, and more than anything, you don’t get the time you want and deserve.
But what I can promise you Kelley, is that you get me – all of me. I have never taken anything so serious as I have our relationship; it consumes me in the best way possible – and it brings me comfort.
So For Whatever it’s Worth
I’m putting this out there into the universe – but mostly just for you, to affirm that everyday my love for you grows stronger, and if you can continue to offer me the patience you have thus far, you have my word we will live the beautiful life we continue to plan together.
Nick’s near debilitating ADHD